Ladies and Gentlemen..

I wish I would stop swaying.
It's like suffering from the spins after drinking too much, but I haven't had a drop. I have to keep one foot on the ground to keep my brain from spinning out of control. Then, just when I think I feel better, I take my foot off the ground and whammy, the room turns into a blurr.

I just need to focus on other things and make plans and goals. I have a lot of things to work on between now and a year from now. By next season I want my own line of t-shirt designs to take with me out on the road. I won't work in ticket boxes, I won't be spinning candy floss, I'll be operating my own small business.
I like the sound of that.

Now I just have to work hard towards that. I think the only trouble I'll have is saving up the proper amount of money. I'll need $1200 for courses in the fall and who knows how much I'll need to get this t-shirt thing a go-go. It shall take a bit of financial planning. I should probably go over that today.
Designs are going to be fun, I think. I just need to take the time and do some real creative brainstorming. I'll have Brit help out with that over this week too, since she'll be in Blenheim and I'll be in Belleriver. :( Boo. Yay for text message brainstorm (not to be confused with text message breakup).

I just have to keep positive and be willing to work hard. I can do this. I have to do something productive for once in my life, dammit.

Today my ticket box has turned into my office.
( Cut to save space and face )

So my messy fish tail braids were WIN.
Hopefully I'll get better at it the more I do it.
I still wanna try out the fricken sweet hair bow that I saw with Brit, but I think that is more of a fancy hair style than just for every day. Still, it must be done at least once!

I had drinks with Brit and Cody last night. It was bomb diggity! Those two crack me up so much and they're damn cute with each other. Sarah and Bryan showed up later after they were done with Dan's bbq (I was not given an invite and it was vip invite only, oh me oh my) and had a few drinks. It was good times all around and we'll probably be doing it again tonight.
There was only one awkward part when I was walking with my LCBO bag over to Brit's trailer. Blake had showed up earlier and I'm assuming by this point (around 10:30 ish at night) he was a bit baked from smoking with one of the guys at the bunks. At least, I hope he was high.
He saw me walking towards the trailer and yelled out "Amy O'Neill! Amy O'Neill I love you.. I love you and you probably don't know who this and you're creeped out but but I just want you to know I love you"
I'm pretty sure I mumbled something inaudible like "oh, cool.." then continued my walk to the trailer.
He's nutzzz, with a Z for attitude.

Hopefully we'll drink again tonight and have more fun fun fun 'till our daddy takes the T-bird away.
Wish me luck in my ticket box of joy today!~
Oh how I have missed thee, anime <3

So three cheers for Amy who is pirating internets in the middle of a parking lot! :D Thank you Renaud Family! lawl.

I had a super great talk with Britt tonight and I am feeling super pumped about this winter. Lot's of supers going on there but it's true.
I am a bit bummed that I can't sell Mark. products since I am not an American resident, but I can find other things to bide my time doing.

LIKE SEARCHING FRICKEN CUTE ASIAN GIRLS SHOWING YOU HOW TO STYLE YOUR HAIR IN FRICKEN CUTE WAYS.
to name one thing.

I'm going to attempt messy fish tail braids tomorrow. It didn't look toooo difficult but we all must remember that Amy is somewhat handy so.. we'll see. Hopefully it turns out well.

I'm going to start my daily regimen of crunches and, well.. was supposed to be cardio but I left my skipping rope in London so I'm going to have to pick up another up town tomorrow. I will not give up I tell you, I will not! I will stick this through to the end!


I'm worried about visiting Russ. Well, not worried per se but, I'm not gonna go there hoping for the best. That way, in case things don't work out as I had hoped, it might not hurt too much. He says I just need to trust him but.. trust isn't the issue here. There are factors that are beyond our control. I guess I'll just have to go with the flow and take things as they come.

Oh, I would like to add that I bought and downloaded the Colony 5 Structures album from iTunes. Omg such great times.I missed it truly.

I should sleep. I'm nodding off sitting up. One of my many secret talents. ;)

So I'm on this kick to feel better in general and better about myself. I'm going to start tanning outside whenever I can (I know I know no more albino legs). I've already burnt myself pretty good which is painful but looks much better than my ghastly pale flesh tone I'm so used to carrying around.

I'm also going to be doing more physical activity and.. AND, wait for it, belly dancing. :o
( Yeah, I know, I couldn't believe it either.. )

So I never thought I would be this dependent on sugar.

I am now on day 2 of my random fast where up on I only eat veggies and water.. plus my regular multivitamin.
It's only day two and I'm already getting mad cravings for sugar and other foods like cheese and meat. It's ridiculous. What I would give to eat a normal and relatively healthy sandwich right now.. o lawd..

But, this mini fast is good for me. I agreed to do it so, darn it, it's gonna get done.
I might shorten it from a week to sunday.. maybe. Or I might just do it as long as I can without going stir crazy, so another day or two, ha.
I think it will be easier once I get in my ticket box and I won't be surrounded by food.

I found an amazing grammar site for Japanese during one of my random google searches. This has to be one of the best sites I has ever seeeeeen. It actually breaks down the structure of japanese writing which I have been looking for, instead of the never ending stream of just memorising phrases. I would love to be able to understand and comprehend the language instead of just regurgitate. I look forward to going through the entire site. Woot!

I also can't wait to get back to my anime watching in my little ticket box of joy. I'm rather behind and my poor lappy is suffering for it; housing Gbs of anime just waiting patiently for me to watch it so i can delete it off the hard drive and give it some of it's well deserved space back.

I've finally set a date for my trip to Minnesota! Wewt! Now that I have a date set, the hardest part comes into play.... buying the tickets as cheaply as possible, heh. It shouldn't be too hard if I am consistent with looking. The only other hard thing will be getting out of the country without too many of my family members (mostly my sister) wigging out on me or barragging me with q340923592348197 questions. Yes, there is a q in there, that is the seriousness of the large amount of questions that would be sent in my general direction.
I am excited, nevertheless.
I really hope it works out and I get there in one piece!

I still have no apartment. I'll undoubtedly be living with my father at his house until something opens up in thamesville. I hope this is the right path for me. This will give me the winter to come up with.. soemthing, anything! Then the summer to put that plan in motion, and then hopefully next winter I will be off to japan. Hopefully. I'll have to set that up in greater detail, but, first things first.

Let's just hope that things continue on in a positive manner.

Oh shit! I still don't have anything for my Father for Sunday >.< oh g'dammit. I'm screwed.

And so I sit here watching Death to Smoochy and burning cd upon cd of anime..

I fell asleep for about an hour or so but then woke up again, which is rather odd behaviour for me, seeing as I sleep like a damned log. Maybe my subconscious wanted to make the most of the left over time I have here at my Dad's with consistent land line internet, heh.

My Father is slowly passing all the company's advertising information over to me. He eventually wants me dealing with all of the newspaper, radio, and maybe even television advertising connections for Carter Shows.
I mean, I really don't mind helping out, but I still want to do the things that I want to do in this life.
I almost feel like I should regret moving back near my family. But, I'm so confused as of what to do next in life that it seemed like the best option at the time.

I don't have very much to talk about, I've become so boring. I blame television and it's brain rotting effects.

I had a very good talk with Dan today, and finally got all the answers I was looking for. I have complete closure over the whole ordeal now and feel sooooo much better about it. I hate carrying around resentment and anger and now that he was honest with me about everything, I no longer have to burden myself with it. GAWD I love honesty!

I need to start figuring out my off summer weeks so I can get things better organized. I need to do a lot of things, heh.

Let's hope Leamington goes by without a hitch.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of confusion.
I have to keep busy or else I am left with my thoughts, which lately has been a bad thing.

I can't remember the last time I cried. That usually means it's about time for another session, as good as I have been doing keeping everything at bay. I made it through that whole Dan mess without shedding a single tear, and thank goodness. He wasn't worth it.

I have this odd feeling of pure exhaustion. I think there is something wrong with my body but I have no idea what.
Well, there are many things wrong with my body but that's another story, heh.


I wish I felt more upbeat. Damn hormones.

So Dan and I will be writing each other, old school style, seeing as he might not have internetz at his new place. How exciting is that.
We'll see if he keeps up with it or not.

T-shirt ideas have been dancing in my head. I might collaborate with Brittany when we get in off the road and work with clothing designs (her part) and image designs for t-shirts and maybe said clothing (my part). It will be interesting and fun, to say the least. Her Dad is pretty awesome and knows a lot of people, so getting supplies and all that good stuff won't be too difficult.
I'm officially on the books so I can go on EI in the winter, wewt. So exciting.

I want to order japanese school books from the University of Western, but Ihave to wait until I have an address to send them to, boo hoo.

I made a new friend who loves music and sent me about 100 songs in 20 minutes. Yahoo pwns.

If you don't know these bands, please check them out. I hearts them <3 :

Koop, Zoot Woman, Portishead, Morcheeba

Epic musiiiiiiiiic.

I'll be back saturday night, peace out for nowwwwww.

So remember the texting thing with Dan and how he was never replying back to me?

Heh..

I come back home Sunday night and open up Msn and all that good business. I hopped on WoW where upon I was barraged with many private messages from people. One of which, was Dan. He was talking to me like we were normal and fine, saying "Hey you! Are you finally back?"

This, of course, confused me greatly, but I made no attempt to cause any sort of drama, just kind of took it how it came. I figure we're just friends now anyways, and I'm pretty much over everything that happened between us.
I find out later on in the night that he some how, amazingly while on a drunken camping trip May 24 weekend, dropped his phone into the lake.
So, for the past week, he had gotten none of my messages.

Perhaps, this was for the best. It's blatantly clear now I had been previously over reacting. So now, I'm hoping he never gets those messages, heh. I'll seem like some kind of crazy if he does.

I kind of want to ask him if it would be okay for me to visit him again this fall, after we're in off the road. It would depend on a lot, though. Like whether he would be working or not. Not to mention whether or not he would still want me around HA..
It would be totally friend based, and I would pay my own expenses. It would almost be like I wasn't there, heh.
I dunno.

We'll see. We shall see.

I sent Dan his last text.

"Alright, you win, I'm giving up."

Of course, I got no reply back. And I am still left unsatisfied with no conclusion or closure. Well, a conclusion can be surmised, like he was a jack ass who got his point across by avoiding the fuck out of me. But again I am left with my pent  up emotions. Again, the other person is let off while I'm sitting here stuck with this anger and sadness and feeling of worthlessness.
I can feel it all brimming inside me. I've gotten so used to holding it in that I can't even vent it onto paper anymore. I stare at the blank canvas and nothing comes out.

Why did he have to be such a damned coward?

I'm over analyzing all of this, I just need to stop. I just wish he had been honest with me. That was the only thing I ever, EVER asked of him.

I need to start making decisions in my life. I need to start focusing on me. All men can go fuck themselves. Or, hell, make it interesting and they can fuck each other.

I'll probably be moving back to Thamesville above Johnny Quest's into one of my Dad's apartments. I'll probably be going on EI in the winter, until I can get things figured out. I want to get this t-shirt idea together, and seriously this time. I've got financial backing if need be, which will help out a lot.
Hell, maybe if things really take off, I can rent out the empty store across the street that my father owns and do my t-shirt printing there. Sell them online, make deals with independent stores, the whole shebang.

The last two years I've been trying to run away from my family, to be the black sheep and try to make a life of my own, on my own.
It seems that was the wrong way entirely to go about it. Maybe I was never meant to stray very far from them.

My eyebrows weird me out now that I had them done for the first time ever. I feel like I'm naked, missing half my facial hair. Not that we're supposed to have facial hair, but you know what I mean. I feel like all those other girls who have pencil thin eyebrows. They just.. have that look to them, you know? I don't want to be one of those girls.

Okay, time to shut up and get back to work. I'm only rambling now for the sake of rambling.

I bought art supplies at Wal-mart yesterday as a sad and pathetic attempt to be able to vent my emotions onto paper. I bought a hardcover sketch book, pencils, and of course, oil pastels.
I made an attempt to sketch while I was in my ticket box yesterday but it just wasn't jiving. The damn tiny box of recycled air death is too stifling for my creativity, or so I continue to tell myself since I came up with absolutely NOTHING.
I've decided to discontinue my texting to Dan. I only end up feeling hurt since he never replies to the damn things so it's probably for the best.
And although he still pops up in my mind from time to time throughout my day, I have to admit it is getting a bit easier to manage. The distance and time away kind of allows my mind to focus on other things and move him to the back burner. I'm assuming this is what happened to him concerning me, or he just hates me LOL gawd so funny.

My heart and mind are still in confusion about Dan, but I have decided one thing; I deserve to be sought after. I deserve that much, don't I? If he doesn't vie for my attention this early in the game, it's kind of a sign of things to come in the future. My fear is that he won't try for a woman after being scorned so many times by them. But I've already made my effort, and he knows I accept him and things in his life, so if he doesn't come to me then he just doesn't want anything, and there is obviously someone better for me out there.

I just wish this mister wonderful would show up sooner or later.

So, I'm pretty sure I was just a phase for him, which is alright, we all go through phases. I mean even I went through a phase type thing with Marek, and I left the poor guy with a immensely broken heart.
My brain accepts this. It understands the situation perfectly. My heart, on the other hand, is still overflowing with that grotesquely optimistic hope that it always seems to cling to in these types of situations. It just continually says "maybe.. just maybe..", when, in reality, there is no maybe.
It's all a big fat no.
Next of course comes the part where my heart begins debating with my brain in an attempt to make my brain accept what my heart believes to be the truth. My heart points out past and present examples that, when looked at a certain light, give some truth to the behaviour the subject in this situation is emitting, in this case being Dan. My brain, being the logical and understanding organ that it is, looks at the evidence and takes it into consideration. Somehow, some way, my brain accepts what it is that my heart feeds it. And for a small amount of time, my brain's thought process and my heart's feelings are congruent. Yes, a small amount of time indeed. After a bit of time passes, my brain's logical thought process becomes suspicious. My brain doesn't have the same openly trusting characteristic that my heart does, and for good reason. My brain is the one who has to pick up the pieces of my heart after it's been broken from openly trusting too much. My brain is only thinking of my heart's best interest when it is untrusting and seemingly cold. It has to be. And after a small amount of time, these qualities resurface in my brain and it begins to plague my heart with questions about the issue that were previously unanswered. Lo and behold, most of the time, there is no answers to these questions, so my brain goes with the most logical answer to which can be surmised, and it is usually negative.
My heart, again slightly broken by reality, goes back to it's sulking.That is, until something else, no matter how small, happens concerning him, and my heart is once again filled with an unreasonable amount of optimism.
This phase happens every time with every relationship, and, as you can see since I am single, it never ends up how my heart believes it to be. Nevertheless, it fights the odds every. single. time.
I wish it would just give up. I don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want to be reminded of good times when all I feel from him is a cold push. I don't want to have to deal with the heartache over and over of having my hopes, (although undoubtedly futile hopes) crushed. But, my heart just continues on the vicious cycle, seemingly unscathed by past pain.
I can only hope one day this apparently idiotic mindset has a truly good purpose, other than making an easy situation ten times more painful than is has to be.

I suppose we will see.
Or, more correctly, I will see.
My brain will debate.
And my heart will trust.
Until the end of motha-fuckin' time.

I'm sick of this avoidance.


I deserve at least an answer. He should be able to give me that much.

Preferably before I go crazy out of my tree.

I wish he would let me in.

( Dan )

That week was interesting. And by interesting I mean almost horrific. That poor man..

Now comes the time where Amy waits. Amy is now waiting. For what, you ask? An answer, a sign. Some thing.

I'll give him all the time he needs. It's the least I can do.



I wanted to put my mood as empathetic.. but I really don't think I could even fathom the emotions he is going through right now.

So, I leave in about a day and a half.
Two days from now, at this time, I shall be arriving in Sudbury.

Am I a bit on edge? MAYBE.

I just hope I make a good first impression.

I think it's gonna go okay but.. ugh, I just have a lot of rough edges. I'm not exactly a girly girl.
And, of course, my face is breaking out, I feel horribly out of shape, I got sun burnt yesterday so I look even SEXIER. Things just seem to be piling up right before I have to go. v_v
I dunno, maybe I'll go have a nap and jut worry about it when I get back up.

... I think the procrastinator in me just cheered.

Easter dinner went by rather well.
Jesse brought Emily which I suppose would mean he is getting pretty serious with her. That and the fact that he went to her family dinner the other night.
A few people are still a bit unsure of the relationship. I'm kind of indifferent. Jesse is a smart boy, I trust his judgment. If he cares about her, then he cares about her. Nothing I nor anyone else can really do about that.

I was the only sibling without a significant other this year. Bah. Our single numbers are dwindling. It's down to just me, now.
This doesn't mean that I'm going to be running out there and snatching up the first guy that catches my eye. Single is fine.
Maybe I just never thought I would be the last one. Or maybe I kind of knew all along. No idea.

I'm starting to really evaluate my Dan situation; looking at all the things I would want out of the relationship and comparing it to what he has to offer. Not necessarily in a materialistic sense, but the emotional needs.
He has two children that he loves dearly, which is something I would never dream of getting in the way of.
I wonder if he'll have enough time for me.
In every relationship there is that section of time where you and that other person are the most important thing to each other. At least for a little while. With him, I don't think I'll get a chance to have time like that. His kids will always be his first and foremost, and rightfully so.

It's still really early to even be contemplating these things, you never know how things might turn out.

I just don't want to be stuck some time down the road in a situation where I don't want to be. To be honest, I got off really easy with Marek. It wasn't too serious before I got out. My timing was really lucky with that.
I don't want to get myself into a tougher situation with Dan.

But OMG the time is finally drawing nearer for me to board my bus of destiny and head up north.
We're both pretty excited, and we've each been too busy this weekend to really talk too much to each other, which also helps pass the time.
I guess.. I can take some comfort in the fact that he would be spending all his free time with his kids rather than looking for some other woman :S

Gawd I have such a weird way of looking at things sometimes. It really all depends on how compatible we are.
I've been asking several people about relationship advice. Trying to conglomerate all the information I've received into a sort of set of guidelines. The one you intend to stay with needs to be a best friend. But, there also needs to be that sexual attraction. Plus other infinite amount of details.
I dunno.. we'll see with Dan. I'm just excited to get to spend some time with him.
I hope it goes well.

And now? turkey and cranberry sauce, pls. :3

I had a weird reminiscing session about Dave today.

( RANTRAWR )


Angry rant complete.

I think I've finally calmed down about Dan.
Still interested in him, but now I can at least concentrate on other things that have to be down throughout my day.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Gene is vent-stalking me. It is merely a suspicion but I'm pretty sure.. well, I have a feeling it's not a suspicion at all and is the blatant truth, heh. He comes on randomly as this other person to check if I'm on vent or not. About half the time I'm on talking to dan in a separate room, which he actually popped into one time. o.o Dan asked who the heck it was, from which person came no answer. He then moved to another room, I'm assuming waiting for me to go talk to him, but I didn't. I have a feeling he was rather angry and talking to him would only make him angrier. He only stayed on a couple minutes anyways.
I hadn't written him an email in about a week and he was sure I was ignoring him, which I wasn't. Was merely busy and I tend to let things slide at such times. :( He seemed happy with my email and I sent off my second one to which he has yet to reply. He's also still signing into vent under that weird name? I dunno what's up with him. Maybe he's upset because I haven't played Diablo with him, heh. I dunno.

ANYWAYS..

The time is drawing more near for me to traverse afar to Sudbury. Kev and Dan are fighting and Dan is planning to move come June sans Kev. There's nothing I can really do with that situation but sit and listen. Men don't like you solving their problems for them.
Then Dan tells me he already bought two tickets for his friend's stag and doe ont he 30th of May. Intending for me to come. The thought is precious but wow! that is planning rather ahead. Ahhh I dunno, I still want to hug him and cuddle into him and all that cheeseypoofs stuff. One day at a time, methinks.
I'm pretty sure my Mom would like me to move there so she knows I have a place after my sister finishes school this year. Plus there are colleges there so she would be fine with that. I dunno it's weird.

All I know is I need to clean. And organize. And plan. I have a lot of things to get done before this trip.

...gawd he makes me giggle sometimes.

OKAY, enough. Must go get ready for work. Guh, work. v_v