I want to learn to play this so much.

Then perform it for him when the time is right.

How ironic is it that I'm sitting in a room with a Dodge Viper and a Prowler with tears welling in my eyes about how broke I am?

So Christmas might suck from me.

Time to really get motivated.

It breaks my heart.

I came home from Minnesota all excited and happy, pretty much walking around with my hand over my mouth to keep from pouring out every detail about my trip and my feelings for Russ, because I know it gets annoying when someone talks to you continuously about a certain subject.
I am happy with him.

Regardless of somewhat knowing my feelings toward Russ, my Father has been trying to set me up with the 20 year old boy working up town.
He's made mention that this boy has "never had a girlfriend'.
My father doesn't know about my lovelife. I'm assuming he might even think I'm still a virgin.
I'm too nice to tell him that I don't really care about this guy he's trying to set me up with.

I hope he'll just accept that I like Russ and would like to try making things work with him.

I'd rather not do the whole dramatic "it's my life I'll do what I choose" rebellion thing. -___-'

One of my favourite things was listening to him sing in the car. He has a great voice, and I remember thinking back about the other people I've been somewhat romantically involved with and how they sang. With Russ, I actually admire the way he sings, whereas with the others it was moreso along the lines of "aw, that's cute, they're trying at least".

This of course lead me to my own singing. More specifically; where the fuck has it gone? I used to sing all the freaking time. What happened?

The summer was difficult because I spent most of my waking hours in a box dealing with people and the rest of my time in a somewhat bigger box, again, surrounded by people.
Now that I'm living at my Dad's, I don't even really have my own room. My computer and desk are in the 'man' room/garage area. I mean, for crissakes, my step mom's computer is in the same room where I sleep. Nothing like waking up to find someone sitting at a computer at the foot of your bed.
Because I am too self conscious to sing with other people around, my singing has pretty much come to a halt.
This, depresses me.
Greatly.
I mean, I don't even have a freaking car I can cruise around in and belt out a couple of tunes. Fecking people on strike. Bitches.

I can't even think of time I'll have alone to myself in a secluded area where I can sing to my heart's content.
From the looks of it, I think I'm gonna have to wait until everyone has gone to bed and rock out in the garage. Or, shut all the doors between this room and my dad's bedroom to kill the sound.

I'll think of something. I just need to get this built up feeling in my chest out.

It makes me want to fall to my knees and scream.

I think I may have found someone I can see myself with for quite some time.

I love this song soooo fucking much.

I need to keep my ambition alive about my t-shirts. I need to start making goals for everything in my life to get things going.
I always hated setting goals in school. Little did I know they are detrimental to getting anything done in adulthood.
Things are going to go well.

I want off these meds so badly.

I wish I could use them as an excuse for the way I might feel.
That scared the shit out of me.
Where did it come from?
Why all of a sudden, at that particular time?
Why that tone of your voice?
Why that grin?

My defenses are gonna go haywire for the next little bit. I hope you can forgive me.

I have to laugh at Dave now.
It's humourous to me how easily I can deflect his advances.
I could kind of tell as soon as he started pushing his alcohol on me how the night would go. I watched my intake and was a responsible drinker the whole night.  Mind you, I'm at the point where I could decline Dave even when completely wasted.

He came onto me last night and I left the room, stating that I've already told him countless times that I didn't want him touching me.
Of course he followed me. He took me aside and gave me this 'heartfelt' apology about hurting me previously and all this other jazz. I told him I was fine with that and didn't care about it anymore but he kept saying "no you're not" and giving me these "look at me I'm a horribly sad puppy sympathize with me" look with his eyes. I just stood there straight-faced and stared back at him. Ugh, to think half those pathetic tricks used to work on me makes my skin crawl.
Then he gave me this apology/friendship hug which started out friendly but began slowly turning more than friendly, like rubbing his hands on my back and trying to nuzzle into my neck. Thank god Debra showed up since I was one step away from kneeing him right in the balls. He let go of me when she came in the room. He tried a couple more times to get close to me but I pulled away.
Him and his girlfriend has sex a couple times which I didn't really give a shit about I just wanted no part of it, especially if it was involving him.
Deb and I ended up leaving around 5ish. Dave offered to let us stay and spend the night there but we were both ready and rearing to decline, heh.

The whole ordeal made me long for Russ. I hope the time passes quickly before my trip.

Remember when you've been so busy you've barely posted?

I remember.

Quick recap:
Just finished Tecumseh Cornfest, epicly intense spot 1 of 2 is complete, wewt.
Monsieur is busy as ever with work and school and everything else under the sun so I rarely get to talk to him any more. Let alone the fact that I killeded my lappy. Oh shwell. I gotsh new computersh sho itsh cool.
I HEART YOU SWITZGAR.

Next is Harrow, which will undoubtedly be the death of me. Or cause my gout to reflare. It already began to a bit today. Boo.

I'm so ready to be home and work on these t-shirts and get that whole ball rolling. That and Avon. I will be a busy pwning lady, wewt wewt.

Well that's about it. I'm tired. I'm going to go raid the bebe fridge, now. Mi scusi.

It's good to know my last post was complete over dramatics and was far off from what had actually happened.

I'm glad we're okay.

And, I have a feeling things are going to get majorly interesting with her. Time shall tell.

FUDGE I fricken miss my anime. v_v..

I went into emerge yesterday because I had had troubles breathing with my left lung.
After11 hours of testing and poking and prodding and ct scans and x rays and the wearing or hideous hospital gowns and peeing in a cup, I find out that I have a blood clot on my left lung, thanks to my birth control pills.

So now, I'm on blood thinners in hopes to get rid of this clot. I go in today for my first lesson to give myself my own needle in my stomach >.< and I'll also have to go in for blood testing every other day until my blood reaches a level of viscosity that pleases my doctor.
Other than the pills and shots, I'm allowed to take painkillers to ease the pain in my lung so I can breathe easy.

Of all the news I got yesterday about my health, what hurt the most was the realization that this little spill just made my chances of still being able to go to Minnesota next week very slim.
That hurts more than the pain in my lung.

So I am now dealing with the web designer working on my Dad's website. You know, the thing I had originally gone to school for but ran away because it just wasn't my bag? lololololol ahem anyways..

( Choppy choppy space saver.. )

So, I've set up a meeting for next week to get my Avon package to sell that bizznazz. I'm kind of excited. I'm kind of in like with the .Mark line.

I'm heading up to London tonight with Sarah and my Masha to finish packing up my apartment. There is almost nothing left in the place. Yay.

Lastly, I share something with you:

Nothing cooler than a Super Smash Brothers Brawl photoshoot.

That is all.

And so begins my week of INTENSE work. I have lots of things to do and about 2 weeks to do them in.
I'm excited and ambitious, though, which is very nice for a change.

Omgomgomgomg how will I ever be ready to go in less than a month?! I've got to get to work on the physical activity. MUST be in tip top shape! Diet and strenuous exercise time, wewt!

I really hope with every fiber of my being that all my plans pan out and I am left with nothing but success.

P.s. I'm SO getting a snake come the fall.

I wish I would stop swaying.
It's like suffering from the spins after drinking too much, but I haven't had a drop. I have to keep one foot on the ground to keep my brain from spinning out of control. Then, just when I think I feel better, I take my foot off the ground and whammy, the room turns into a blurr.

I just need to focus on other things and make plans and goals. I have a lot of things to work on between now and a year from now. By next season I want my own line of t-shirt designs to take with me out on the road. I won't work in ticket boxes, I won't be spinning candy floss, I'll be operating my own small business.
I like the sound of that.

Now I just have to work hard towards that. I think the only trouble I'll have is saving up the proper amount of money. I'll need $1200 for courses in the fall and who knows how much I'll need to get this t-shirt thing a go-go. It shall take a bit of financial planning. I should probably go over that today.
Designs are going to be fun, I think. I just need to take the time and do some real creative brainstorming. I'll have Brit help out with that over this week too, since she'll be in Blenheim and I'll be in Belleriver. :( Boo. Yay for text message brainstorm (not to be confused with text message breakup).

I just have to keep positive and be willing to work hard. I can do this. I have to do something productive for once in my life, dammit.

Today my ticket box has turned into my office.
( Cut to save space and face )